How can I support someone I know who is in an abusive relationship?

Statistics tell us that 1 in 4 women in New Zealand suffer physical or sexual abuse from their intimate partner.

When you add in emotional abuse, this rises to 1 in 3 women. So chances are that there is someone in your life, whether it is a friend, family member, neighbour or work colleague that has, is or will experience intimate partner abuse.

When we see someone we care about hurting, of course we want to help. The desire to “fix” the situation can be overwhelming but the dynamics of an abusive relationship are complex so it’s important to know how you can help, without making matters worse for her.

If someone you know reaches out to you or mentions in conversation controlling, coercive or abusive behaviour towards her by her partner, there are a few important ways you can support her:

By Showing Your Concern

Let her know, in a non-judgmental way, that his behaviour is not normal or healthy and asking her how it makes her feel. She may use words like “scared”, “worried”, “trapped”, “isolated” or “worthless”. Let her know that you are concerned about her. Some women don’t recognise what is really happening until they are in too deep or someone outside the situation helps them see that his behaviour is harmful. She might blame herself, think that she can help him change, or believe that he is only trying to “help” her be or do better. Your concern may be the seed that’s planted in her mind to reassess what’s really going on.

By Being OK With Her Choice

Be ok with the fact that she may not want to hear what you’ve said, that she may not be ready to leave or take action, or she may leave but be persuaded by him to go back. There are many reasons why this might be the case and pressuring her to take action before she’s ready may just push her further away from you. Check out our article, Why Does She Stay? for insight and perspective on this all too common question.

By Not Giving Up On Her

I know it can be frustrating when she doesn’t just leave the abuse, or she gets defensive when you try to talk to her about it. It can also hurt when she stops returning your calls or messages and no longer seems interested in seeing you. In these situations, the worst thing you can do is give up on her because this is exactly what her partner is aiming for. He needs to isolate her from her friends and family so that she is away from your influence. Having her all to himself seals his control over her.

So, she needs you to stay in touch. Even if it is just a regular message letting her know that you’re thinking of her, without any expectation of a reply. Be conscious though that he may be monitoring her phone and messages so keep her safety in mind by keeping your communications general and not referring to anything she has told you about the situation.

By keeping in touch, if or when she is ready to talk, to reach out or to get help, she will know that you are there for her and that she has someone to turn to.

By Not Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands

It can be tempting after hearing what’s going on to go straight in and confront her partner or call Police or child services. However, you are unlikely to know the full situation and you may end up making the situation much worse for her. Taking action without her consent is stripping her of her mana and he has been doing just that for some time now. She is unlikely to thank you for it and may decide that talking to you about what is going on is unsafe and so isolate herself from you. Again, this plays into his hands and desire for full control.

However if you see or hear her or her children in immediate danger of physical assault then by all means call the Police on 111.

By Educating Yourself

Find out what support services are available for the time when she may be ready to seek help. Good places to start are with Shine - www.2shine.nz and Women’s Refuge - www.womensrefuge.org.nz.

Shine’s 24/7 national helpline is also available to give you advice on how you can support friends or family members in this situation. The number to call is 0508 744 633.

By Following Her Lead

If or when she is ready to seek help, support her to do so in whatever way she needs. She may need information on services that are available, she may need a place to stay or transport to get away. She may need childcare while she attends appointments to get herself back on her feet or she may just need a shoulder to cry on and someone to take her mind off things. Let her take the lead and ask her what she needs or wants from you.

The important thing to remember when you find a friend or family member in this situation is that you can’t help her until she is ready for help and it’s important that you don’t, even with the best intentions, remove her authority and control over her situation by stepping in and making decisions for her. Her partner has stripped her of control over her own decision-making and our aim should be to empower her to reclaim it and determine her own way forward.

*We fund 12 months of flexible therapy for women and non-binary folk who have survived intimate partner abuse and are now doing their best to move on - for themselves and their families. You can help by donating to our next funded therapy package HERE.*